We”ve all said it, and most of us have heard it!

A roll of the eyes, a huff, a sigh, a down right blood curdling scream followed by an “Oh, Mom!” can be pretty annoying.

But, look back in your life and think of the things you’ve heard and you’ve said and mull them over.

It’s not just the simple, silly “Keep making that face and it will stay that way!” comments that rile the teens and tweens of the world, it’s really stupid things we say and hear.

“Do as I say, not as I do.”

Really, if it’s so stupid that I can’t do it, why are you?

“You’re the best/greatest/tops.”

They probably aren’t and it may give them a false sense of ability that puts them in a position of embarrassment.

“Stop bothering me.”

Ok, it’s too late to re-think that ’should I have kids’ question, but you did, so let them bother away, you have to take every opportunity to teach them and to learn from them.

“You’re so clumsy/lazy/sloppy!”

Although I think most people in the world have too much self-esteem, little things like this can really hurt, and really stick.  And a lie told often enough does become the truth.  Just stay away from the name Grace if you remember yourself as a klutz!

“Stop crying.” or “I’ll give you something to cry about.”

Seriously, can YOU stop crying?  And apparently they already have something to cry about.

“Why can’t you be more like your sister.” 

This may be a tad confusing and quite frankly if you say that often enough, you don’t have a Prada Pump to stand on when he comes out in a prom dress or a cheerleading outfit.

Kids are individuals, and that’s a good thing.

A teacher who taught my daughter, once said to me UPon finding my son in her class, “They couldn’t be any more different, could they?”  Knowing where this was going, I simply replied, “Yeah, I know, isn’t it great!”

The conversation stopped!

“You know better than that!”

Maybe not.  Maybe you should take this as an opportunity to …what’s the word I’m looking for…PARENT!

“Wait til your Dad gets home.”

I’m guessin’ he’s hoping you’ll take care of it before he does, and you should.  Nipping it in the bud usually works better.  Why let the kid stew all day wondering if Dad’s gonna’ go all Rambo on him?  And you know, Dad may not have a problem with it.  Either way, you lose, and so does the kid.

“Can’t you walk any faster?”

Probably not.  Measure your legs, then measure theirs.  I’m guessing you’re a tad taller than that three year old, so he’s probably walking as fast as he can!  Slow down, smell a rose, let him look at the Lego window, and if you’re in that big a hurry, rent a stroller!  Well, unless he’s 16.  But, then he’s probably not going to the mall with you anyway, and if he does, he’ll be at least 10 stores behind you the entire trip.  What self respecting teen wants to be seen at the mall with his mom?

“Are you going out looking like that?” 

I’m guessing that was the plan.  Frankly, unless they are over-exposed, indecent, or have profanity on the T-shirt, let it go.  Purple hair doesn’t last forever, and guy-liner washes off once the other kids tell him he looks “gay”.  But, pissing Mom off, now that’s priceless!!  Give him/her the keys, make sure he/she knows not to text and drive, know where they are going, and rest assured that outfit will be in the Goodwill bag by Tuesday!

“Don’t make me turn this car around.”

They know you want to go to the mall just as badly as they do, and they know that dress/shoes/purse is on sale, and you’re not going to turn the car around…unless you see a better deal!

And for Pete’s sake, don’t do the Duggar thing and say, “Go ask your brothers!”

Wanna keep your job? 

Here are some “communication errors” you might wanna avoid!

The Boss is important, and there are just some things that aren’t said.

Here are a few:

Not my job!  Yeah, keep saying that and it probably won’t be much longer.  Really, I’ve always said at work,  the first line of my job description is “Do what insert boss’ name here tell me to do.”  And frankly, I’ve used that philosophy for years. 

I’ve had a job of one sort or another since I was 14 years old.  I learned early on that I need to follow directions as long as it wasn’t “immoral, illegal, or unethical”.  It may really be beneath you, but get it done, even if you have to make someone else do it.  And what’s the big deal about ethics anyway?

Not my fault!  Maybe not, but if it falls in the realm of your department and or your responsibility, then the end result is your fault.  If you’re not afraid to take the credit for all the good that comes from your department, then don’t shirk the blame!

I’ve only got 2 hands!  Well grow a pair, and do what’s needed to get the job done.  This type of statement, and there are hundreds of ways to say it, usually makes the boss feel like you’re in the mood for “Tea and Sympathy”.  And if the company is falling around him, there will be little.  So buck UP, get to work, and get things done.  You may be trying to be funny, and it may fall on deaf ears…know your audience.  He may be the “poster child for the humor impaired”.

I’m over qualified for this job.  No, no you’re not.  You may have qualifications that would allow you to do more for the company, but right now, this is what’s needed of you.  Your boss cares less about your MBA now that you’re on staff, and more about your production.  So, get to work, use that fancy schmancy edumacation of yours and find someone else to pawn the task off onto.

Anyone could do this job.  Ok, then move over!  I’m sure there are hundreds if not thousands of 50+ year olds that would love to have it since they’ve been down-sized, right-sized, displaced, surplussed screwed out of a job.

Can’t be done!  If the boss thought it couldn’t be done, he’d never have asked, unless there really is a conspiracy to get rid of you…and from the looks of things, there just might be.  If it’s needed, it can be done.  You may have to get very creative, think outside the bun, but you have to deliver.

If I were in your place… Well, you’re probably not gonna’ be sayin’ crap like that.  So keep your trap shut and bring in some results.

Not my problem.  Guess again.  If you work there, then it is your problem.  You have to be committed to the success of those around you, and you have to be committed to the success of the company.  If not, you’ll have more problems than you bargained for.

It’s not the skirt that makes your butt look big!  Do I really need to go into detail here?

When it comes to business, “See no evil, Hear no evil, and Do no evil” usually don’t apply, but “Speak no evil”…now, there’s a keeper!

Get to work!  Quit whining!

I was a small child, wore todler clothes to the first grade, and I weighed in at 37 pounds, I was six years old.

A walking target.

Well, researchers have found that kids who get bullied and snubbed by peers are probably gonna’ have problems in other parts of their lives as well.

No kiddin?

Supposedly, there are at least three factors in a child’s behavior that can lead to social rejection.  (Social rejection, now isn’t that a pretty phrase for bullied?)

The causes are, according to researchers:

1. Reading nonverbal cues.
2. Understanding their social meaning
3. Thinking of options to resolve social conflicts.

Those who are supposed to know say that 10 to 13 percent of children “experience some sort of social rejection”.   I’m not so sure where they got these numbers, but I’m guessin’ it’s a tad higher.  Everyone is rejected socially at one point or another.  But, not everyone is bullied.

They also tell us in this report that being bullied can result in mental health problems, can increase the polibility that a child will get poor grades, drop out of school, or develop substance abuse problems.   Clark McKown of the Rush Neurobehavioral Center in Chicago says, “It really is an under-addressed public health issue.”

Another ‘expert’ says what a kid learns on the playground could show up in later life.  He claims that when children interact without the guidance of an authority figure,  is when children experiment with the relationship styles they will have as adults.

Ok, who’s leaving their kids alone?  I’m sorry, I can’t even fake surprise on that one.

It all stems from the fact that the number one need of any person is to be liked by other people.  Well duh!

We all want to be liked, but we’re not all gonna’ like everybody. 

After a boat load of studies, and a truck load of money, they claim to have found a few things.

1. Kids don’t see clues.
2. Kids don’t understand clues.
3. Kids don’t know how to react to clues.

They even have a book now that they are recommending.  “It’s So Much Work to Be Your Friend: Helping the Child with Learning Disabilities Find Social Success” (Touchstone, 2006).  I’m sure it’s just an awesome read!  And they claim it works for kids who don’t have disabilites as well. 

These experts have a “process”, and it’s all geared to the bullied, not the bully.

To teach social skills, Lavoie advises a five-step approach in his book.  He claims the process works for children with or without learning disabilities and is best conducted immediately after a transgression has been made.  (Transgression being made by the bullied!!!!)

1) Ask the child what happened and listen without judgment.

2) Ask the child to identify their mistake. (Often children only know that someone got upset, but don’t understand their own role in the outcome.)

3) Help the child identify the cue they missed or mistake they made, by asking something like: “How would you feel if Emma was hogging the tire swing?” Instead of lecturing with the word “should,” offer options the child “could” have taken in the moment, such as: “You could have asked Emma to join you or told her you would give her the swing after your turn.”

4) Create an imaginary but similar scenario where the child can make the right choice. For example, you could say, “If you were playing with a shovel in the sand box and Aiden wanted to use it, what would you do?”

5) Lastly, give the child “social homework” by asking him to practice this new skill, saying: “Now that you know the importance of sharing, I want to hear about something you share tomorrow.”

I for one, think this is a bunch of crap. 

The only thing they got right is listen to the child without judgement.  Now, there’s a parenting tip I can live with.

As to asking the child to identify their mistake: being smaller, stranger, or just different isn’t a mistake.  Ask the bully why he’s a jerk.

I don’t think the kid missed anything other than the opportunity to get the heck out of there before “Felon of the Future” jumped him.  And maybe Emma’s just a big, mean, hateful, future skank!  And maybe he’s just a little wuss!

I think kids have enough imaginary scenarios as it is.  Are mommy and daddy gonna stay together;  am I gonna’ get to the bus without gettin’ my ass kicked?; is the sadistic gym teacher gonna’ make me stand out front in dodge ball?  (OK, I’m not over a few things.)

Social homework? You can’t get most kids to do the homework from school.   Teach the kid to fight, tell him to kick the bully’s ass or die tryin’!

Other kids not liking a child is not the end of the world. Surprising as it is, there are people out there who don’t like me!   But it has nothing to do with bullying.   The kid may have gotten a swirlie because the bigger boys didn’t like him, or as I said before, he may just be a big wuss.  But that doesn’t make it his fault.  The bigger boys are at fault here. 

Apparently that “do unto others” crap was lost in translation.

Maybe I was a little dweeb and pantywaist, but that sure as heck didn’t make it right for El Kabong (a girl in the 3rd grade) to kick my ass everyday on the playground.  Thank God that tramp moved that summer!

And maybe Courtney has blue hair, wears fishnet stockings, and anarchy gloves, but I don’t remember a law being passed saying we should fail her, rail at her, or flog her.

Bullies are bullies.  Bullies need to be stopped. 

Just because the kid next to you in class is weird or just because you can, doesn’t mean you should take his lunch money. 

Sadly, there are bullies in all walks of life.  Middle School, High School, College and the workplace are all just extensions of Elementary School.  Generally, once a bully, always a bully.  And conversely, one would think once bullied, always bullied. 

Ah, not so.

There’s a way out.

So, to everyone of you who’s been beat UP, stuffed in a locker, dragged into the girls room, had toothpaste put in your hair at camp while sleeping, or had someone take your dessert at lunch, I say this:

Shut UP, Stand UP, get mad as hell and don’t take it anymore.

I do it, but I hate it.

And yes, I text when I drive.

When it becomes illegal, I’ll quit…maybe.

But I hate it. 

I love the sound of my children’s voices, and would rather they call.

But, in this “modern” age, texting is the way.  It’s easy to do when ur n class + all.

So, I txt, jst lk evry 1 els.

BTW, I wish they wld cl me.

I find it amazing that people will send you a quick text rather than call.

I think it’s usually because they have something they want to say that doesn’t require the pleasantries and obligations of a conversation.

Texting is destroying the English Language too.

In class the other day, we were  peer editing.  That’s when one kid writes something and another one checks it for mistakes.  You know, trading papers.

One student changed you’re which was incorrect because the writer should have used your, to ur.

Really, ur.  I’m not making this UP.

But back to the phone. 

Pick it UP.

Call me back.

I’d rather hear your voice!

I’d just like to say, NBC is a big fat liar!

So is ABC, Grey’s Anatomy – not even close.

Just a few observations and suggestions, if you have a minute.

First of all, no one looked like McDreamy, McSteamy, or Katherine Heigel.

A few looked like Jack Black, and one looked like Disco Stu from the Simpsons, but most, McCreepy.

And that was just the Doctors!

The patients and visitors…well, don’t ask.

So, before you go, try to remember these things.

Is it really necessary for the entire family, down to 3rd cousins once removed to be there?  Grandma/Great Aunt Bertha really doesn’t need you.  And if you don’t have  medical degree, why are you there?  And too boot, it’s the 21st Century, can you say CELL Phone?

And, is it really necessary to hop your children UP on Mountain Dew and Snickers Bars before you leave the house…you know, just after getting the call that the aforementioned relative is in the ER with chest pains, brain spasms, ingrown toenails.

Honestly!

Now, as to the youngins; live tree or fake one, they are not supposed to pull the leaves off and throw them at each other.  And they are especially not allowed to throw them at me once they tire of making their little sister cry.

The water and soft drinnks they bring around, you know, the Candy Stripers, they’re for the patients, not you.  There’s a Coke Machine down the hall.  This is Georgia, three things you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting are, a Baptist Church, a Waffle House, and a Coke Machine.  (Of course the Pepsi machine is buried in the third underground level of the parking garage, so don’t even look…some people have gone a lookin’ and never returned!)

And as to proper attire:  Seriously, terry cloth shorts were made for the beach, and for people who are no more than a size 2.  I’m sure you were in a hurry, but it’s February afterall, and not to get all Fashion Friday, but “Should you be wearin’ that?”

Let’s talk footwear for a second.  Pink Bunny Slippers were only funny in “Torch Song Trilogy” and on “Malcolm In The Middle”, put on your Nike’s before you dash to the car. 

Not to be picky, but there are two areas.  Each is clearly marked.  One says WELL WAITING, and one says SICK WAITING.  A little clue, if you’re WELL, sit under the word that matches your condition.  Do not sit by me and cough UP a lung!

Oh yes, one more thing!  They are really serious about the NO SMOKING sign in the parking lot.  It’s a hospital after all.

Looking up to some one else.

Guidance, style, attitude, work ethic, we get those from people we respect, and sometimes, as it should be, people we love.

My Dad and my brother, Charlie are two of my heroes.

Neither has let me down.

But, we have others out there.

National Heroes, personal heroes, people we admire and respect.

They’re all human, every man has the capability to falter, fall, and fail.

We can’t let it get to us.

And we can’t pick the wrong heroes.

I admired Jonnny Bench, I respected Pete Rose (and I still think he belongs in the Hall of Fame – so Selig, get over it!), but they both let me down.

Johnny said, “I want a whore in the bedroom and a maid in the kitchen.” Great take on what he wanted for a wife!

Pete, well, we all know what Pete did.

There are others.

We’re supposed to respect the person in the White House, the Mayor, the Principal, the Pastor.

But, again, they are all human.

They all CAN fail, even if they never do, or never get caught.

Charles Lindbergh, the first man to make a TransAtlantic flight, testified before the US Congress and recommended that the United State netotiate a neutrality pact with Hitler!

Thomas Jefferson, or his offspring (no one knows for sure) may have fathered a child or children by a slave.

Henry Ford gave us the assembly line, got America moving, and created an industry.  But he was a rabid Anti-Semite who funded horrific publications.

Ben Franklin never married his life long companion, and had a son with her.

Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Swaggart, Richard Nixon.

Naughty, naughty, naughty!

and on and on and on.

The question arises, “Are we picking the right people?”

Probably not.

John Glenn was my hero when I was a child.  I was crazy for the space program, and still feel that it is the second most important “thing” of the 20th century.  (The Interstate Highway System is the first.)

But John Glenn got into politics. compromised, made deals, and I was dissappointed.

It wasn’t John Glenn’s fault, it was mine.

Look close by for your heroes, and never put too much faith in a man.

I really don’t need a bunch of amateurs crowding UP the gym.

Really, I hate January at the Gym.

I still go, because I want to, and because I have to.

But, it’s just such a hassle.

At least until about Valentine’s Day when all the New Years Resolutions wear off.

Now, seriously, I applaud anyone who makes a NYR and sticks to it, but generally, when it comes to “fitness” at least, they are…

…broken.

And not a moment too soon for me.

I have a routine, I’m a creature of habit, I’m probably a little somewhat a tad totally OCD.

On the days I don’t work in the AM…

I get UP,

get dressed,

hit the Waffle House for a Red Neck Latte

go to the mall and walk three miles

and go to the gym.

Now that it’s January, the place is full of Weebles Wobbling from Weight Machine to Weight Machine Working off Weight they should  have worried about weeks ago.

I don’t mean to be insensitive  – but c’mon folks, start earlier, stick with it, or stay out!

Some tips for the new “Gym Rat”

• Month to month.   Eschew the contract.
• Personal Trainer…why hurt yourself, when once a week for a month will teach you more in form and effort than you can ever learn on your own.
• Watch people whom you would like to look like and STEAL TRAINING…copy their moves, use lighter weight, but use thier form.
• Change your diet.  You can’t work UP an appetite on the elipical and then limp to Dunkin Donuts or the Waffle House and have an All Star Breakfast, all the way.  It’s diet AND exercise.
• Start slow, start light.  You can’t bulk UP, tone UP or loose all that weight in a week.  You didn’t wake UP one day 4o pounds heavier, and your not gonna’ wake UP tomorrow 40 pounds lighter…unless you lose a leg!
• And most importantly, stay OUT OF MY WAY!
• oh, and good luck!

I work out in the AM around 8, or in the afternoon around 3, Please stay away at those time.  I’m not always the chaming, kind, non-judgmental  UP you’ve come to know and love, I can be…..unpleasant.

Unusually so for Georgia!

Coats, scarves, gloves, long johns…just not workin’.’

And according to some sources, neither is that fireplace.

Well, it might be working for a romantic evening, or a night of fun with the kids, but keeping the house warrm,

not so much!

A roaring fireplace brings memories of home to some, makes our Christmas Cards prettier, and temporarily warms our hands after we come in from the cold.

But it just ain’t gettin’ it when it comes to heatin’ the place UP.

Fire is mankind’s oldest form of heat, at least that we know of.

We don’t know who discovered it, but if it were someone today, he’d be living in Beverly Hills along with movie stars and swimmin’ pools!

He’d make a fortune.

Greek mythology would have us believe that Premetheus gave fire to man.

Poor Prometheus, he was punished dearly for his deeds.

A little history here…Zeus, the head honcho of the Greek Pantheon sent most of the Titans to Hades.

He was pissed because they had rebelled against him and fought him in The Titanomanchy, or the war between the gods and the Titans. 

The Titans were not the football team from the movie, but a group of 12 super gods who ruled the world.

Well, Prometheus did not side with the Titans, and when Zeus won out, Prometheus was spared from the Hades vacation the rest of the boys got.

Zeus gave Prometheus the task of forming man from water and some other stuff.  (Sugar, spice, and everything nice for the gals, and snakes and snails and puppy dog tails for the boys.)

Promo got a little too fond of the human race.

Zeus wanted man to have little power, and was especially concerned about man having power over fire.  Prometheus, as his man love grew, decided to teach mankind how to start and use fire.

Zeus, again, pisssed.

So as a punishment, he chained Prometheus to the side of a mountain where a raven came every day and ate his liver.

The liver grew back every night, and the raven came back again.

Zeus, nice guy.

No matter where it came from, man for thousands of years has used fire to cook, to punish, to purge, and to heat.

But fire, especially fireplaces just aren’t all that efficient.

An EPA study (and you know how much I love the EPA!) tells us that fireplace efficency is about 7%.

Most of the heat escapes of the chimney, and for every one hundred dollars you spend on firewood, you get $20.oo worth of heat.

Oh my cow!

Of course the EPA is also concerened about the air pollution caused by fireplaces, both inside and outside your home.   I checked with Al Gore, so I know it’s true.

And they are messy.

Very messy.

And some say dangerous.

There are hundreds of fire place disasters each year.

Some even resulting in pregnancy.

Now, it is possible to heat a home with wood fires.  Just not the old fashioned way.

There are modern, EPA certified wood stoves out there, a new trend is pellet stoves, which are efficient and affordable. 

Gas fireplaces are more efficient too.  But in my mind terribly expensive.  We have gas logs, and frankly, due to the cost I’ve not turned them on in years.

So, if you are using a fireplace to heat the house, be careful.

I like having you around.   Gotta keep the readership UP and all.

Stay warm, cuddle UP!

I’m talking about Christmas here.

When the kids were little, I always noticed a sense of overwhelming from them about an hour after all the gift giving and opening was done.

After 20 years, I finally figured it out.

It was too much.

When it comes to Christmas, as much as I hate it, I tend to over do it.

A tad.

Now, I’m sure all my friends at Macy’s, Wal-Mart, Target, Perry Ellis, The Gap, and Old Navy would tend to disagree, but you can over do at Christmas time.

It’s easy to get there.  Ah, just one more thing for Jane, and then you have to even it up for Dick.  And then there’s poor Spot!

It tends to….I don’t know…

…explode.

A child’s Christmas list may kill a tree with paper, but in reality, they want less materially and more emotionally.

Make Christmas special, but make it realistic.

I’m not saying go cold turkey this year, but pare it down a little each year. 

Know when to say enough.

A great dinner, cookies, candies, a few presents, and you really can have a Norman Rockwell Christmas.

After all, why shell out all that cash when most of the time they’re gonna’ wind up playing with the box?

Merry Christmas!

I realize, if you’re like most of us, someone else at home does the majority of the Christmas shopping.  i.e.  The Wife. 

But then, who’s gonna’ buy for her?

Ah, you are!

Women and men shop differently. 

Women have a list, on paper.

Men, a list in their head.  After all, one item isn’t that hard to remember now is it?

Women, have a budget.

Men, a credit card.

Women have a plan.

Men, they plan to go buy one gift, bring it home, have the kids wrap it, and moan about how crowded the convenience store was.

Women go to several stores, push everthing in the proper size back and rip through each item of clothing assessing it for quality, color, style, possibilty of use, and just how long it will be before it goes out of style.

Men, shop at eye level.  If it’s not in front of them, it’s not a target.

And that’s what things are for men, targets.

We’re Hunting.

We stalk the shirt, we hunt the shirt, we shoot the shirt, we take the shirt home.

Once we’re at home, we gut the shirt, we hang it up to drain (remove the paper, pins, cardboard in the collar and get the wrinkles out, cause Lord knows we ain’t gonna iron it) and then we wear our trophy to work or to play or to church the next day.

Or, we place it triumphantly under the tree…which we did not decorate!

Women shop.

Men hunt.

It’s Christmas time, Cammo anyone?