The Smurf movie is being panned by the critics.

photo by Columbia Pictures

One reviewer gave it a D+!  (And he wasn’t talking about Smurfette’s cup size!)

That’s a little harsh.

The Hollywood Reported called it “numbingly generic.”

E. Online’s reviewer said, “it’s the epitome of cynical studio cash grabs that it appears to be.”

I thought movies were supposed to make money?

And the cruelest cut of all comes from Alonso Duralde of The Wrapl. He calls “The Smurfs” “a film that does for children’s entertainment what lead paint does for children’s toys.”  He said that the kiddie flick is “too moronic and cringe-worthy for adults,” though kids may find Azrael the cat amusing.

Well, who doesn’t love a cat?

Uh, me!

I’ve not seen it, and I probably won’t go, but since Neil Patrick Harris is in it, it has to have some worth.  He’s hilarious. 

I’ll wait for video.

Plus, I’ve always had a thing for Smurfette!

Either way, it’ll make a boat load of cash.

Micahel Rechtshaffen who writes for the Hollywood Reporter said, that “Hollywood seems to have no intention of leaving any ’80s pop culture touchstone unturned.”

“What’s next?, he added,  ”Where’s the Beef: the Movie”?

Ok, I think tha movie’s already been made, and I don’t think kids can get in to see it!

…a deadly mixture.

I love movies, and I love history.  Ergo:  one would think I love historical movies.

Well, not all of them.

Sometimes, Hollywood gets it right, but rarely.  Some parts of history just don’t play well on the big screen, so the directors, writers, and producers take liberties, and stretch a tad to make the story more interesting.

That’s ok, if, they say so UP front.

But, none ever do.

Let’s start with The Ten Commandments.  Hate to ruin it for you, but Cecil B. got it wrong.  According to the historical account of The BIBLE, Psalm 136:13-15 says “…To Him who divided the Red Sea in two, For His mercy endures forever; And made Israel pass through the midst of it, For His mercy endures forever; But overthrew Pharaoh and his army in the Red Sea, For His mercy endures forever”

Many scholars will argue that Pharoah did not die, and that such an historical person would get a better mention in the Bible.  Exodus doesn’t say implicitly that Pharoah died, but Psalms does…so, I’m goin’ with that.

Young Victoria.  Ok, I love this movie, however, Prince Albert didn’t take a bullet for Queen Victoria.  An insane man took two shots at her while she and Albert were riding in a carriage.   The film shows Albert moving in front of Victoria and getting shot in the arm.  Didn’t happen.  The scriptwriter, Julian Fellowes has admitted that the injury has been added to the film for dramatic effect. James Oxford, the man who took the two shots said, “Oh, I know to the contrary; for when I fired the first pistol, Albert was about to jump from the carriage and put his foot out, but when he saw me present the second pistol, he immediately drew back.”  The Times, 12 June 1840, page 6.

Sorry, they were in love, but Albert was no fool!

Gladiator.  This is hard for me, because I L to the O to VE this movie!  Emperor Commodus wasn’t the total douche he’s made out to be in the film.  Violent and alcholic for sure, but he was a functional one at least.  He ruled the empire for 10 years before dying in his bathub.  He didn’t die in the arena, and he wasn’t the creepy “sister’s boy” they made him out to be.  Oh yes, he didn’t kill his father either.  Daddy died of chickenpox.

300.  Yeah, they were all that ripped. NOT!  When the battle of Thermopylae took place, the council of Sparta had an average age of 60, and none of them were in their 30s.  Xerxes was a normal Persian, not a circus freak who was eight feet tall.  And BTW, no one wore leather banana hammocks into battle, they wore breastplates and armor. 

Braveheart.  We’ll start with the kilts.  They didn’t show UP for about 300 years after William Wallace.  In the movie, Mel Gibson aka William Wallace, seduces Edward II’s Queen.  Isabella of France, who would eventually become Edward II’s Queen, was about three at the time of the battle.  Ewwwww!  So the story line of Edward III being Wallace’s son…not possible, Edward III was born seven years after Wallace died.  But, Isabella was only 14.  Again, Ewwww!

Elizabeth:  The Golden Age.  Total crap.  Kate Blanchett was 36 when the movie was made, Elizabeth I was 52 when the movie was ’set’.   Ivan the Terrible didn’t try to woo her to Russia as his queen, because Ivan was ALREADY DEAD!!!  And that ridiculous scene where she’s riding the white stallion waving a sword…NO!  She rode side-saddle and carried a baton.  Add some white boots and pom-poms, and she’d have been a drum major…what the heck, most of them are queens anyway!  She was spoiled, pampered, and vain, she wasn’t a warrior.

The Patriot.  Not to pick on Mel, but again…mucho wrongo in this film.  Francis Marion, “The Swamp Fox” is the basis for the story.  A Revolutionary War hero, Marion was the scourge of the British and the hero of South Carolina…sort of.  He was a slave holder, and not the progressive idealist Gibson portrayed.  He didn’t lose two sons in the war.  The main reason, he didn’t have any children at that time!!!  He did eventually get married, to his first cousin, after the war.  Like they say, “inbreeding is the new black”! 

As to the part where someone reads the poster to Occam declaring that slaves will be freed if they fight.  Well, A.  The British did that, not George Washington, and B.  when GW took command of the army, he banned the enlistment of “Negroes, both slave and free” because of the manpower shortage back on the plantation.  Later on, because of the manpower shortage on the battle field, “free Negroes” were allowed to fight.  Think about it, slaves fighting in a republican army intent on its own freedom from the enslaving motherland…hmmmm.  and C.  soldiers were recruited by the states, there was no federal army.

As to the battle of Guilford, where Mel’s all heroic and such…the Continental army got their asses handed to them by the Redcoats.

And there are more, Louis XVI wasn’t afraid of sex as portrayed in Marie Antionette, he couldn’t have sex, he has phimosis – look it UP, or ask Mackenzie, she’s a doctor.  And, there’s no proof that Saleri killed Mozart as indicated in Amadeus.  Wolfie was a booze hound, and probably drank himself to death.

And then, there was Coco and Igor, which was a total fabrication…but I loved it anyway! 

So, the next time you go, check the facts, hit the net, or send me an email. 

I’m sure I’m steamed UP about it already!

Let’s just say, I don’t agree with many of the reviews of “The Conspirator”.  One reviewer compared it to a “Law & Order” episode!!  Wait a minute…he didn’t mean it that way, but isn’t that a compliment?

It’s not that I really like every movie I see, it’s just that I pick the ones that usually don’t disappoint me.

“The Conspirator” is in that category.

A firm believer that one should not get one’s history from Hollywood, and there’s a post a comin’ about that topic, I like to fact check before I go and when I get home.

I love period piece movies, and I love costume dramas.  Imagine that!

“The Conspirator” is a new film directed by Robert Redford, released on April 15, the 150 anniversary of Lincoln’s assassination. 

It’s really good.  (The movie, not the assassination!!)

Some reviews have pooh-poohed “Redford’s stage like direction”, but I didn’t see that.

The story is of Mary Surratt, the owner of the boarding house where the Lincoln Assissination plot was supposedly planned.  Or more importantly, about her trial and the young, former Union Captain, Frederick Aiken, who defended her.

Robin Wright, formerly Robin Wright Penn, plays Surratt, and James McAvoy plays Aiken.  Both are great.

The story is very close to history.  And very important in today’s time.

Mary Surratt ran a boarding house on H Street in Washington, DC.  John Wilkes Booth was never a resident, but he was a frequent visitor.  Mary’s son, John Surratt, Jr. was a Confederate Courier and spy who passed information, contraband, and messages across enemy lines.  Mary Surratt was truly a Rebel, a Confederate, and made no bones about it.  But she was probably unaware of the details of the assassination plot.

And she hardly got a fair trial.  Her trial was a war-time military tribunal.  Sound familiar?  The movie, although good and historically correct has an underlying message.  9-11, military trials, habeas corpus, all that stuff we hear today.

Surratt had witnesses in her defense, all who under the assumed and presumed threat of incarceration, ended UP testifying against her.  She was forbidden to speak in her own defense.

Aiken’s valiant efforts to get her a fair trial are thwarted at every turn.  The end conclusion was foregone at the beginning.  The outcome, even her execution, which most of the tribunal was against, was orchestrated by the Secretary of War, Edwin M. Stanton, who by the way, is brilliantly portrayed by none other than Kevin Kline.  He’s about the best actor in the movie. 

Stanton ran the War Department (now called The Department of Defense…to the shame of all of us) with an iron fist, and was part of Lincoln’s Team Of Rivals.  (A great book by Doris Kearns Goodwin.)

“The Conspirator” is beautifully filmed, the costumes are on point, and the characters chosen to play the main parts are alarming “look alikes” for the real people.

Scenery, sets, attention to detail – all excellent.

The movie was filmed in Savannah. The real places where the story occured in Washington, D.C., no longer look anything like they did in the Civil War.  Surratt’s boarding house  is now “Wok and Roll”, a Chinese restaurant.  Which, I might add, is a shame!

Story – great, even though, assuming you’ve stayed awake in history class, you know the end result.

Acting – very, very good. 

Accuracy – 9.0…timelines…timelines, usually compressed to make the movie watchable, often distort history.

It’s not for everyone, you really have to like history and costume dramas, but if you do, it’s a must see.

The main character is of course, Surratt, however, the movie is really Aiken’s story.  Protagonist and antagonist at the same time, your empathy meter is in high gear throughout the film.

Aiken, a Union hero, Union Captain, and Lawyer, is forced by his employer to defend Surratt, whom he originally believed was guilty.  It ruined his career, his social standing, and his relationship.  But, he survived, left the law, and became a newspaperman in Washington.  He eventually be came the editor of “The Washington Post”.

I guess it’s true,  revenge is best served cold, and in print!

Go see it!

…or why Jan is wrong!

This was the exchange on Facebook Monday night.

 Jan Hebel – Trying to watch Gone With the Wind, I don’t get how people think this is the greatest movie ever made. What over-acting!

•  Jan Hebel –  Can’t take it any more, what a P.O.S.
• UP – Philistine!
•  Hank – Nice try. I sort of agree with u. In it’s defense, they did those battlefield scenes without computers. Ya know, casts of thousands. Music isn’t bad either. And there are some great lines. My favorite “I don’t know nothin bout the birth of no baby, miss Scarlet”. Hattie McDaniels ( I think). They could never make that movie today for less than a billion $$. But it sure isn’t Casablanca or Citizen Kane. And they were done on the cheap!
•  Rick - Frankly Jan I dont give a damn
• Jan Hebel –  ‎@ Paul (UP), I expected that
  @Hank, good observations
  @Rick, now, that’s funny! – Rick, I know you despise me but you’re the only one in Casablanca I can trust!
•  Don – Jan, do I have to see it?
• Jan  Hebel – No, Don. Definitely not!
• Don – Well, then I will.
•  Tim –  Nice, Don!
• UP - Butterfly McQueen said, “Ah doan kno nuthin bout birthin no babies”, she played Prissy. The best line in the whole movie is “Why Melly Wilkes, what a cool liar you are!”

 ”Scarlett O’Hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realized it when caught by her charm…” is the opening line of Gone With The Wind.  People world wide are still caught in the charm of Scarlett O’Hara over 70 years after the movie was released.

Here’s why.

Scarlett is a great heroine.  Spoiled, vain, pretty, charming, conniving, duplicitous, and fearless, she rocked the world on the page, and came to life on the screen.

A woman who told us that she would “lie, cheat, steal, and kill” to keep her family safe and fed, she paved her way with the hearts of men, and let absolutely no one stand in her way.

She was, and remains, a literary goddess.

Sure, she killed a man, but he was a Yankee deserter.  Sure, she stole her sister’s boyfriend, married him for his money, bullied him, ran him, and eventually her actions got him killed.  But, any real man would have stood UP to her.  Sure, she was so self-possessed and self-absorbed that she didn’t realize love when it was in front of her and sure, she loved a man who wasn’t her husband even though he was a spineless wimp who couldn’t be “unfaithful with his body, nor faithful with his mind” to his own wife, but she was a winner, a survivor, a creature unlike any other in literature.

And we still love her.

It’s also one of the greatest love stories EVER!

As to the book, one must remember that Margaret Mitchell was a woman ahead of her times as well as a woman of her times.  She smoked, wore pants, partied, reported for a newspaper, and interviewed female prison inmates in a time when ladies did none of the above. 

But, she cut her teeth on the myth of the Ante Bellum South, and was fed lies, half-truths, misconceptions, and TRUTH by her mother and grand-mother.  She believed in the ‘lost cause’ at her core, even if she hated it and barely realized it.  She was truly a Southern Daughter!

And, she knew the book would sell.

As to the movie, Jan…and I still love ya’…in 1939 there were no computer generated scenes, it was truly a cast of thousands.  There was matte painting for sets, real fires for the burning of Atlanta, and animals were injured in the production.  Frankly, PETA, no one gave a damn!

It wasn’t Star Wars…thank God!

And about that “over acting” comment!  Ten, count ‘em 10 Academy Award Wins…a record that stood for 20 years until “Ben Hur” hit the screen!!!!

And, another thing, the irony of the first African American actress  (Hattie McDaniel)  winning an Oscar in a movie that many say glorifies the “Old South”, should be lost on no one!  Sure, she played a slave…it was set in 1860, in Georgia…(writer beats head against wall)…and there were very few other roles for Black women to play.

It’s a story that grips us, makes us think, and wonder, would we be willing to sacrifice so much to hang on to the things we love?

No, it’s not the greatest movie ever made…but it’s just about the greatest story ever written.

When in a quandry or dilema, I always wonder, “WWSD?”

What would Scarlett do?

 I’ll have to admit, I don’t really know how many times I’ve seen the movie, but I’ve read the book over 30 times.  And, ”my dear, I DO give a damn!”