Well, I do.

Ever hear of “guyspeak”?

It seems everyone’s talking about it.  What men say, and what men really mean.

Of course, we don’t get to talk about what women say v. what they mean, so I’ll stick with the plan, and since I have the “gift of interpretation”, I’ll fill you in on a few things I think sociologists and psychologists have totally gotten wrong.

Frankly, it’s annoying.  Isn’t it possible that when we say something, it really just is what it is?

Probably not!

Some say that guyspeak comes from men not wanting to let the women in thier lives down.

What’s the word I’m looking for?  Bull!

Here’s an example: 

He says – We should hang out sometime. “The Experts” say – I’m afraid you’ll turn me down if I ask you out.

What he really means – You’re hot, I’m horny, let’s get it on.  The game starts in 15 minutes.

He says – I’ll call you later.  Experts – I’ll never call you, but then again I might, so don’t write me off yet.

What he really means – Unless I see a future I want in this, I’m never callin’ you again, well, at least not until after the game.

He says – My ex is nuts.  Experts – I’ve messed her UP and she got UPset.

What he really means – No, I’m serious, she’s crazzzzzzzzy, crazy!  And it  ain’t my fault.  She hated sports anyway.

He says – That guy seems like a good friend of yours.  Experts – Was there ever a thing between you?

What he really means – He’s either gay, studying for the priesthood or trying to get in your pants, cause he’s actin’ like a brother that’s too kissy and it’s creepin’ me out!  Have you ever noticed he never watches the game?

He says – It’s a long story.  Experts – It’s a long story that makes me look bad.

What he really means – It’s a long story and why are you so darn nosy?  Can we talk about this at half-time, the game is on.

He says – Is that a new look?  Experts – You look weird.

What he really means – Do you like it?  Should I like it?  Damn I never know the rules here!  Could you move, the game is on.

He says – Are those shoes new?  Experts – Should you spend so much money on another pair of shoes?

What he really means – If you chipped in on the bills instead of buying everything at Macy’s, we could afford all the ESPN stuff on cable, and we could watch more games!

He says – Why are you being so emotional?  Experts – Why are you being so psycho?

What he really means – Hey, Sybil, knock it off, I’m missin’ the game!

He says – That’s not what I meant.  Experts – That’s exactly what I meant, but now that you’re pissed, I wish I’d never said it outloud.

What he really means – You’ll never understand what I really mean, and you’d probably hate me anyway, so let’s just move on from here!  The game is on.

He says – It’s fine.  Experts – It’s not fine, but I’m in no mood to discuss it.

What he really means – It’s not fine, I’m gonna’ lose this one anyway, so really, It’s fine!  And the game is on.

He says – He’s a friend of yours?  Experts – Do you have a thing for that dog?

What he really means -  He’s a dog, and you should be on antibiotics for just riding in  his car!  I wouldn’t let him sit on my couch to watch the game, which is on by the way!

He says – Can we talk about this later?  Experts – I never want to talk about this again.

What he really means – You’re going to talk about it anyway, can I just have a few minutes of peace and quiet before you rip me to shreads over this one and make me rue the day we met?  And for the love of Mike, the game is on!

I have “taken the paper”, as my Dad would say, for 12 years here in Atlanta.  “The Atlanta Journal Constitution”, to be exact.  It’s a decent enough paper.  Easy read, decent stories, good coverage, nice funnies, and sadly, only one crossword. 

Really, it could use more.

But, that’s not my point.

I don’t read the entire paper.  Obits don’t interest me, ads bore me – and I’m broke anyway – I’m a headliner.  I read the headlines and decide which stories I’ll check out during the day.

I’m sure I’m not unlike many in this area.

I remember hearing as a child that JFK read 2 or 3 entire newspapers everyday.  It may be true, but I doubt it.  As with any prominent person, and especially the President, there’s a lot of myth. 

But again, I digress.

The headlines yesterday were a bit disconcerting.

“Fulton Teachers may lose their jobs” – Now that’s a pretty sight!  Fulton County is the heart of the Atlanta Metro Area.  High crime, lots of cops, big schools, big buildings, it’s a city.

Just a thought – wouldn’t it be easier to educate our children than prepare them for incarceration?  The majority of folks in prison are high school drop outs.  Why are we laying teachers off?

Here’s another – “State revenue still spirals downward” – everyone acts like this is a surprise.  Since my property taxes went up by 14% last year, state and county revenues shouldn’t be in a spiral.  But alas, according the the AJC, they are.  The state of Georgia collected 10% less last month than it did in the same month last year.  So I’m guessin’ there will be more cuts a commin’.

Hmmm…

And then there’s this one – “Lists note DeKalb schools that may close” – DeKalb (pronounced De CAB for all  you outsiders) is another large county that is the other half of the city of Atlanta.  Trust me, they have enough problems, they don’t need to close schools.    And if they close the schools, no one’s said where the kids will go.  I really can’t see that many people in DeKalb County homeschooling off the bat.  So, again, what’s to become of the youth?

“Obama throws doen the health care gauntlet” - apparently there are some folks in his own party who are on the fence, and he wants them to get off of it…I suppose on his side.

And how about this one – “Colleges wary as guns bill advances” – Apparently a new law is in the works that will allow those with “carry permits” to take a gun onto a College Campus.  Now, I’m a 2nd Amendment kinda guy and all, but has anyone at the Georgia State House heard of Virginia Tech?  Or Columbine?  and on and on. 

That’s just the front page, and not even all of it.

The Metro section was even more disheartening.  Something about a judge resigning because she served alcohol to underage kids at her home.  A slaying suspect turned himself in (alas, some good news), A forest ranger was killed in a hunting mishap; can we say understatement? – MISHAP!   And apparently Hustler Magazine wants to publish pictures of the nude dismembered body of a woman who was killed while hiking.  There’s always some irony in any Hustler/Larry Flint/Metro Area story since Gwinnett County, where I live, is where Larry was shot during his porno trial.

And there was a small snippet about a “methane gas leak shuts down highway”.

Really, I couldn’t wait to read the comics!

Back a hundred years ago when I started with TPC, I was advised not to screw UP, and I’d have a “job for life”.  (That’s not exactly the way it was phrased, and all you Bell Heads out there will know EXACTLY how it was, but you get the point.)

Essentially, I did.  Have a job for life that is, not screw UP.

I’m sure I screwed UP many times, but not in a big enough way to cost me my job or my career.

I was lucky for 30 years, escaped layoffs, down-sizings, survived divestiture (the break UP of the Real AT&T for those who were born after 1984), several economic downturns, technology advances, and on and on and on…I was lucky.  I had a job for 30 years, or life.

I never understood career hoppers, I was much more interested in ’security’

I escaped in 2001 with a pension intact, a part  little bit trace  smidge of my 401k left, and benefits – for life.

It’s a good thing.

Things just aren’t that way anymore.

Unless you’re in education – and that’s looking iffy,  law-enforcement, or medicine, you will probably have to change careers once or more in your life time.

Some jobs we thought would be around forever just won’t be.

So, we have to say good bye.

Bank tellers come to mind.  With direct deposit, which is required by many employers, ATM cards, Check Cards, and Credit Cards, who needs to go to the bank?

It’s kinda sad, I remember going to the bank with Dad when I was a boy.  Mr. Oblinger, the bank President, treated us both like we were his largest depositors.  We weren’t.  Seriously, we weren’t!  They had candy on the counter for the taking.  The Bank Tellers always offered me some.  It was an adventure.  And it’s going away.

No one has the title ‘file clerk’ any longer.  Imaging and faxes and email have seen to that.  Everything is scanned.  Our copier not only copies, it scans, and sends to corporate.  Pretty amazing really.  Image over light.  (Thank you Alexander Graham Bell, he didn’t invent it, but he talked about it over 100 years ago.)

Very Jetsons and all.

And wouldn’t you just love to hear a voice when you call a company?  “Press 1 for English” instantly makes me want to shop elsewhere. 

Answer the phone, say “thanks for calling” and ask me how I’d like my call directed.  Don’t put me into Voice Mail Hell.

So we are saying goodbye to telephone operators.  Voice mail and call routing are taking jobs away. 

Data entry clerks are no longer necessary.  Every teenager can type, even if they can’t spell.   Back at Ohio Bell, we had a room full of people who were “order entry clerks”.  Or data clerks.  We wrote the order with codes in the business office and sent it to order entry, via the mail boy.  Well, no longer.  5th or 6th generation software has allowed us to nuke that job and enter the order ourselves.

And speaking of the mail boy.  Most mail is electronic now, remember the old days when the mail boy came by, and people said,  ”I got my start in the mail room”.  Well no more, say ta ta to him too.  He’s going away, or already gone.  The guy on “Drop Dead Diva” who drops stuff off to the fancy schmancy lawyers; he doesn’t exist anymore.  Scanners, email, and photo processors make him obsolete.

Ever use a travel agent anymore?  Well, not for long.  Travel agents are being replaced by the internet, Priceline, Expedia, and the like.  These days only large corporations planning huge trips with hundred of employees use them.  And with the economy in the toilet, and it is, that’s not happening much. 

Unless you get bailout money from Washington.

What about a watch repairman, or watch sales man.  My first job was at B&L Jewelers in Germantown, Ohio.  John Brower was a true watchmaker, and a darn good one.

He hated Timex watches because they were “disposable”.  Now watches are fashion.  If you need to know the time, you can look on your I-pod, I-phone, I-computer, and soon, your eye-ball!   Unless it’s a Piaget or Rolex you can buy just about any watch  at Wal-Mart.  Nowadays, watch repair consists of replacing the battery!  Or shopping for a new one.

And video store clerks, well, bye-bye.  Netflix and On Demand have nuked those as well.

What I’m sayin’, things ain’t what they used to be.  That Summer job or part-time job may not be there.

And things are probably always gonna’ be changin!

So, be flexible, go to school, get an education.

You want to have a lot on your horizons.

What, did they run out of Ranch Dressing?

Some may say there are already enough changes in NASCAR, No more Winston, no more Dale Sr., no more Southern 500, and now this…no more wings, and add spoilers. 

That’s right, spoilers.

They are only minutes away from making  a small change to the cars, granted, it’s small, but it could drastically change and impact how the races go from here on out.  

Well, at least until they make more changes, which it seems they are never gonna’ stop doing.  They are going to replace the wings with spoilers.  Now, spoilers were not used in NASCAR until just a few years ago, and even though we thought we saw them in the 70’s, technically, I guess we didn’t. 

The drivers were complaing about the wings, and the fans sober enough to notice were as well.

Apparently, they reduce the maneuverability of the cars and make the races longer and boring.    Some lately have seemed like funeral processions.

The shift could come as early as this month.

NASCAR Prez. Mike Helton thinks the fans deserve a traditional race.  And recent research on spoilers has given the boys in Daytona a way to make it happen.

Well it’s about time.  Let’s think about the fans, afterall, they are paying for it. 

Who cares if the season is already underway.  Everyone wants to know if the change will impact the competition.

I realize this isn’t a huge game changing difference, like aluminum bats or Poodle Skirts on the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, but the difference will be measureable and and the boys in the garages back home and the pits at the track will need a little tweak time to get things right. 

Could be interesteing.

And of course it isn’t the same caliber change as that “Car of Tomorrow ” crap we’re still having to deal with…look at Dale, JR.

With this change, some drivers feel the there are two seasons of NASCAR this year. 

But, you gotta’ hand it to them, they are giving the fans what they asked for.  Better, faster, and more interesting races.

And it’s about time.

Now, it’s UP to the drivers.