…”You could use a makeover.” really a nice thing to say?

Not even if your best friend says it. 

C’mon, be nice out there.

While shopping the other day, at one of her favorite stores, and one where she drops a lot of cash, a friend of mine was looking at purses.

Now, since I’ve carried the same wallet since 1987, I’m sure I’ll never understand the need for women to change purses with every season.  And back in the day, my Mother changed them with every outfit.  But, it happens.  Birds start chirping, leaves start budding, and that “old” black purse you got for Christmas is just “not in season”, so it’s time for a new Spring-looking one.

And that’s ok.

During the course of her shopping spree, she said to the 17 year-following-too-closely-on-commission-sales clerk, “I need a purse makeover!”

Aforementioned teen replied, “Yeah, you could use a make-over, have you thought about high-lights?”

Buzzers rang, bells went off, alarms sounded, and my friend realized, “We’re not talking about purses anymore!”

This one simple question set off a nuclear chain reaction of angst, self-doubt, body image introspection, and general EMO level depression.

It was almost as bad as listening to My Checmical Romance. 

And this deep abyss of doubt lasted for days. 

Over the next few days and weeks reassurances were heaped upon said friend by husband, family, and friends alike, but the damage was done.  The b#####y little Botique Betty had slipped the shiv and bent the blade.  It was criminal, cruel, and calous.  There was no turning back. 

So, dear child behind the counter at the Gap, Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, and Pandora – think before you talk – it might make the take-home pay better! 

Afterall, as she passed the first shop on her way back to her car, she held up her new and very expensive purse…you know, the one she didn’t by there!

…Sequins?

We’re talking about Figure Skaters here.

Recently, on FB, the father of a friend said “All those sequins on men, it’s just creepy!”

Well, I don’t wear them often, but if I could lift a woman over my head by one hand while skating on one foot, I don’t think I’d take any crap about it if I did.

I’m amazed at the ‘athleticism’ of the figure skaters – both men and women.

The lifts, the jumps, the staying UP!

Wow, how do they do it.

I remember when I went to Ohio State, (gosh, what a week that was!), I was “set-UP” on a date with a girl named Darlene.

An aside here, Darlene is oddly enough one of my favorite names.  Darlene was on the Mickey Mouse Club when I was a kid, she was cute, and I at four or five years old was “in love with her”.  You guys can have your Annette Funicello, I wanted Darlene!  I had a doll, (GET OVER IT!) that I carried around, and guess what…her name was Darlene.

But, back to the date.  One of my sadistic fraternity brothers decided we should go ice skating.  Back in the day, and it may still happen now, the students could pay 2 or 3 bucks and skate all night at St. Johns Arena.

ME – never been skating.

SHE – channeling Peggy Flemming!

Oh, yes, it was the date from h-e-double hockey sticks!

It’s a tad difficult to hold someone’s hand when you can’t let go of the rail.  It’s a tad difficult to stand UP on ice when you have never had skates on before IN YOUR LIFE!

Now, I could roller skate, and everyone told me there was no difference.

That is, what’s the word I’m lookin’ for?  BULL!

I fell, once or twice, a few times, occasionally, three or four hundred times.

Once when I fell, a Wayne Gretzky wannabe decided it would be fun to skate over my semi-frozen fingers – well there goes 12 years of Piano lessons!

And my frat brother, and “friend” could not stop laughing; his date and mine skated on the other end of the rink.

After about an eternity hour and a half of this misery, Darlene suggested we get something to eat.

Great idea, so off we go to some now forgotten Pizza Place (oh that we’d gone to the Blue Dube, at least I remember that place) for a slice of pie.

That’s when I realized I’d chipped a tooth!

So, dear friend, and Anna and Em’s dad, creepy or not – If you can lift a woman over your head with one hand while skating on one foot, in skin-tight pants in front of 12 judges, 10,000 spectators, and 40 million Televeison viewers…wear your sequins!

You’ll not get any crap from me!!

…at your Tatas, don’t take the girls out for a walk.

There are women out there who use their breasts as weapons.

Ok, c’mon girls,  admit it,  you know what you’re doin’!

Driving men crazy.

Flaunting them and then chastising us for doing what comes naturally!!

All men look at breasts.  Old men, young men, straight men, gay men, for Pete’s sake, BLIND men look at breasts!

And for all different reasons.

Most men, as we know are pigs.  They like boobs, tatas, hooters, etc.  They just like ‘em, and there ain’t no gettin’ away from it.  Afterall, an INTERNATIONAL restaurant chain is called “Hooters”, and no-one eats there for the food.  (My Mother thought it was Hoosiers because they were in Indiana until she and Daddy stopped for lunch!!  So sorry I missed that one.)

Some men want them, and some (Simon, please hit the gym) have them!

For some, it’s a “Mommy Issue”.  Not breast-fed long enough, or at all.  Some just “admire the beauty of a woman’s physique”, and some are just  – well, lecherous old fools.

As to the blind guys, Braille, I suppose!

Now, UP is not a Burka Fan, but help us out here.  Hide the girls.  Some researchers say men think of sex every seven seconds.  Some would say that’s a low number.  We really don’t need any more temptation.

And a few of you, like I said, you know what you’re doin’.  And it’s just plain cruel.  So stop it.

So please don’t wear a skin-tight Midge Pinciatti sweater and then get all Betty Freidan on me!

BTW,  this doesn’t help either.

So, on this Fashion  Friday, give us a break.  We can’t help it.  If you don’t want us lookin’, don’t put ‘em on display

Ok, I’m not bashing the overweight!

This is scary news!

Can you be a normal weight and be fat at the same time?

Well, according to the Mayo Clinic you can.  (What’s up with the Mayo part, shouldn’t it be the Fat Free Salad Dressing Clinic?)

This new report says that fat in your body can get you and your heart into trouble even if you don’t look fat and if the scale tells you you’re healthy.

Great!

Cardiologist Francisco Lopez-Jimenez, has even given it a name.

Normal weight obesity.

They looked at data from a bunch of  Americans, both North and South,  who had normal body size when measured by body mass index.  The ones with a high percentage of body fat were at significantly greater risk of future heart problems than those with low amounts of fat.

Their bodies “behave like they are obese, but they are not,” Dr. Lopez-Jimenez says.

Ok, this is really tickin’ me off!

Even skinny folks can be at risk because they’re fat on the inside?

People don’t have to be overweight to have excess body fat?

They have a higher ratio of fat to muscle tissue than people with low body fat.

Almost everyone has a different body mass index.

It took them nine years to figure this out, and who knows how much money. 

And some folks don’t even have a clue they are at risk.

Look good, feel good, must be good!

Maybe not!

Look at Brittany Murphy.

Of course the findings aren’t concrete, and they need “more study” (translation, more cash!)

Your best option, buy a scale that measures your body fat as well as your weight.

Tanita makes one.  It passes a small electrical current through body tissue.  (No, you do not get a thrill!)

And like my gym, LA Fitness, does, many health clubs offer body-fat assessments.

Now, the folks who wrote the report say they don’t think the “study’s results mean people should have their body fat measured to assess their cardiac risk.” Usually, a little extra weight around the middle among normal weight people should be a sufficient wakeup call.

Dr. Oz has been saying this for years.  Manage your waist!

What the Mayo Clinic is telling us?  High body fat among “normal-weight” men and women can be associated with 400% increase in the risk for abnormalities including elevated blood sugar and blood pressure.  This usually happens with people who are obese and is the pathway to diabetes and cardiovascular disease. 

Both men and women have a higher risk of abnormal cholesterol and men with high body fat are more likely to develop high blood pressure if they are “normally obese”.

The government standards suggest that body mass index, or BMI, should be between 18.5 and 24.9.

This was the range for the participants in the Mayo study.

But, don’t throw BMI out the window.  It still measures fit v. fat.

You can lose weight and have a high BMI. 

I did. 

I lost 32 lbs. in about 15 months, but my BMI only went down about two points.  Once I added weight training and pumped up my walking speed, it dropped. 

Common sense tells us that eating a healthy diet is important in reducing body fat as well. 

But, there is a balance.  If you only cut calories and don’t exercise, you can lose equal amounts of body fat and lean muscle.  Lean muscle burns more calories, and you want as much of that as you can stand.  

There are hundreds of sites on the web that can help, and if you’re worried about heart disease and diabetes, and if they run in your family, you should be.  So, in any case,  check them out. 

It’s diet AND exercise. 

Jog to dinner, Jog while making dinner, just burn the fat!

‘Cause, you really wanna be fit, inside and out!

Oh, and BTW, my BMI is 24%…the target for a guy my age and weight.