…can be fun. 

My philosophy:  Why be bored at the store?

Fun Things for Guys to do when forced into shopping -

1. Hide in the clothes racks and talk to the customers – the little voices in their heads might start UP a conversation…ya never know.
2. Pull wheelies with your cart in the Wine Aisle while singing “Heaven, I’m In Heaven”.
3. Try on underwear over your clothes and ask people if they make your butt look big.
4. Slip boxes of condoms in other folks’ shopping carts.
5. Fill your cart with motor oil and condoms.
6. Turn all the Elvis T-shirts inside out.
7. Ask the help to “Please translate the signs into the native language of my planet.”
8. Try to find something NOT made in China.
9. Take pictures with your cell phone of people who ARE dressed appropriately.
10. Count the number of people wearing slippers.
11. Count the number of children not wearing shoes.
12. Separate the clothing by color and not size.
13. Sing the greating cards aloud.
14. Walk into the Men’s Room and yell at the top of your voice, “What died in here!”
15. Demand the manager because they don’t have a “Fromal Wear” section.
16. Count the items of the person in front of you in the “15 or Fewer” line and raise a stink when you reach 16.
17. Make obscene displays in the fruit and vegetable area.
18. Stay away from the paging system!

Well, I do.

Ever hear of “guyspeak”?

It seems everyone’s talking about it.  What men say, and what men really mean.

Of course, we don’t get to talk about what women say v. what they mean, so I’ll stick with the plan, and since I have the “gift of interpretation”, I’ll fill you in on a few things I think sociologists and psychologists have totally gotten wrong.

Frankly, it’s annoying.  Isn’t it possible that when we say something, it really just is what it is?

Probably not!

Some say that guyspeak comes from men not wanting to let the women in thier lives down.

What’s the word I’m looking for?  Bull!

Here’s an example: 

He says – We should hang out sometime. “The Experts” say – I’m afraid you’ll turn me down if I ask you out.

What he really means – You’re hot, I’m horny, let’s get it on.  The game starts in 15 minutes.

He says – I’ll call you later.  Experts – I’ll never call you, but then again I might, so don’t write me off yet.

What he really means – Unless I see a future I want in this, I’m never callin’ you again, well, at least not until after the game.

He says – My ex is nuts.  Experts – I’ve messed her UP and she got UPset.

What he really means – No, I’m serious, she’s crazzzzzzzzy, crazy!  And it  ain’t my fault.  She hated sports anyway.

He says – That guy seems like a good friend of yours.  Experts – Was there ever a thing between you?

What he really means – He’s either gay, studying for the priesthood or trying to get in your pants, cause he’s actin’ like a brother that’s too kissy and it’s creepin’ me out!  Have you ever noticed he never watches the game?

He says – It’s a long story.  Experts – It’s a long story that makes me look bad.

What he really means – It’s a long story and why are you so darn nosy?  Can we talk about this at half-time, the game is on.

He says – Is that a new look?  Experts – You look weird.

What he really means – Do you like it?  Should I like it?  Damn I never know the rules here!  Could you move, the game is on.

He says – Are those shoes new?  Experts – Should you spend so much money on another pair of shoes?

What he really means – If you chipped in on the bills instead of buying everything at Macy’s, we could afford all the ESPN stuff on cable, and we could watch more games!

He says – Why are you being so emotional?  Experts – Why are you being so psycho?

What he really means – Hey, Sybil, knock it off, I’m missin’ the game!

He says – That’s not what I meant.  Experts – That’s exactly what I meant, but now that you’re pissed, I wish I’d never said it outloud.

What he really means – You’ll never understand what I really mean, and you’d probably hate me anyway, so let’s just move on from here!  The game is on.

He says – It’s fine.  Experts – It’s not fine, but I’m in no mood to discuss it.

What he really means – It’s not fine, I’m gonna’ lose this one anyway, so really, It’s fine!  And the game is on.

He says – He’s a friend of yours?  Experts – Do you have a thing for that dog?

What he really means -  He’s a dog, and you should be on antibiotics for just riding in  his car!  I wouldn’t let him sit on my couch to watch the game, which is on by the way!

He says – Can we talk about this later?  Experts – I never want to talk about this again.

What he really means – You’re going to talk about it anyway, can I just have a few minutes of peace and quiet before you rip me to shreads over this one and make me rue the day we met?  And for the love of Mike, the game is on!

…at your Tatas, don’t take the girls out for a walk.

There are women out there who use their breasts as weapons.

Ok, c’mon girls,  admit it,  you know what you’re doin’!

Driving men crazy.

Flaunting them and then chastising us for doing what comes naturally!!

All men look at breasts.  Old men, young men, straight men, gay men, for Pete’s sake, BLIND men look at breasts!

And for all different reasons.

Most men, as we know are pigs.  They like boobs, tatas, hooters, etc.  They just like ‘em, and there ain’t no gettin’ away from it.  Afterall, an INTERNATIONAL restaurant chain is called “Hooters”, and no-one eats there for the food.  (My Mother thought it was Hoosiers because they were in Indiana until she and Daddy stopped for lunch!!  So sorry I missed that one.)

Some men want them, and some (Simon, please hit the gym) have them!

For some, it’s a “Mommy Issue”.  Not breast-fed long enough, or at all.  Some just “admire the beauty of a woman’s physique”, and some are just  – well, lecherous old fools.

As to the blind guys, Braille, I suppose!

Now, UP is not a Burka Fan, but help us out here.  Hide the girls.  Some researchers say men think of sex every seven seconds.  Some would say that’s a low number.  We really don’t need any more temptation.

And a few of you, like I said, you know what you’re doin’.  And it’s just plain cruel.  So stop it.

So please don’t wear a skin-tight Midge Pinciatti sweater and then get all Betty Freidan on me!

BTW,  this doesn’t help either.

So, on this Fashion  Friday, give us a break.  We can’t help it.  If you don’t want us lookin’, don’t put ‘em on display

Valentine’s Day, ah, what a pain!

Candy – rots your teeth.

Flowers – rot themselves,.

Lingiere – Kids to rasie, who needs it.

Contrary to popular belief, Valentine’s Day wasn’t created by Hallmark, Hersheys, or 1800Flowers.

It was created by Pope Gelasius in 496 AD to honor one of the “early Christian martyrs”.  He was Valentine of Terni, and became Bishop of Interamna or modern Terni around 197 AD.  Alledgedly, he was martyred during the Christian Persecution of Roman Emperor Aurelian.  Aurelian believed the that greatest god in the Roman Pantheon was Sol or Invictus, the sun god.  He was a tad bit annoyed by the whole Jesus movement and all that Christianity stuff.  So, Valentine had to go. 

Today, Valentine’s Day is traditionally a day on which lovers express their love for each other. 

How did it get that way, you ask. 

Well,  all that lovey-dovey stuff really didn’t start until Geoffrey Chaucer pumped UP the notion of Courtly Love.  You know, pure unrequited love of the Middle Ages; King Arthur, Guenivere, Lancelot and all that crap.  Never mind that Lancelot and Guenivere were slippin’ off to the Motel Sex behind Artie’s back.   Geoffrey was a randy old dude who trotted around England in the nude often, and loved the ladies.  So, Valentine’s Day became Lover’s Day.

Or as a friend of mine called it, Single Awareness Day.

A lonely guy, no doubt.

Oddly enough, it comes from a very ancient pre-Roman pastoral festival, observed on February 15 to avert evil spirits and to purify the cities.  It released health and fertility…hence the love connection.  February gets its name from Februa, the pre-pre-Roman festival that became Lupercalia.  Lupercus was the god of Shepherds.  I’ll leave that one alone.  But, on the Ides of February, a goat and a dog were sacrificed.  (PETA, leave me alone and please quit spamming me.)  They also prepared mealcakes (fried grits) which were burnt by the Vestal Virgins.

But, alas, we’ve made it a day for lovers.  And it’s pretty popular.  One of the Hallmark Holidays, no pun intended.

American consumers spent $16.7 billion on Valentine’s Day in 2007, and each lover averaged $100!  And over one billion Valentine’s cards are sent or exchanged each year.

Yikes, am I in trouble.

So, tell the one you love, that you do, give them a card, and remember, there’s a goat out there who sacrificed his life so you could express your devotion to the special someone or someones (Tiger, John, Bill, etc.) in your life.