Work with me, I love this stuff!

I mentioned last week that the Royal Spawn could trace his ancestry with the click of a mouse.

Well, he can.  So, just for grins this weekend, I verified some information I’ve had in my head since I was nine years old.

You see, I was a small child, got my ass kicked a lot, and hiding out in the library and reading history just seemed to be the safest way to go.

And read I did.  I’d read Winston Churchill’s History of the English Speaking Peoples by the time I was 12. It’s over 2,000 pages, was a gift from my dad, who’d probably given UP any hope of me being some major star athlete by then, and it came from Day’s Rexall Drug Store.  I eyed it for weeks, dropped hint after hint at the dinner table, and generally annoyed my Dad into buying it.

Hey, what ever works.

So, just so you’ll know, here goes.

Prince George of Cambridge AKA The Royal Spawn is currently 3rd in line for the throne.  Great Grandma – the Queen – has to go, Grampa – Prince Charles has to go,and of course, Wills will need to buy the farm before the new prince will wear the crown.

But, how did it get to him?  Why is this mostly German family running THE most British place on earth?

Well, here goes.

Get some coffee, it’s gonna’ take a minute.

Prince George Alexander Louis, Prince of Cambridge can trace his ancestry all the way back to William the Conqueror, AKA William I AKA William the Bastard.  And if you want to take the time, we can go back to Edward the Confessor…but we won’t…today!

His parents weren’t married, and that was a bad thing back then, so all through middle school, he was William the Bastard.  But, he showed them.  After finding out that he was first cousin once removed of Edward the Confessor, a previous English King, he sailed to England, kicked King Harald’s ass at the Battle of Hastings in 1066, moved the capital from Winchester to London, ran Harald’s brother, Edgar, king for 2 days off and took charge.

William at War

It was a good thing.

So, we’ll do it Bible style, William begat Henry I who begat Henry II who begat Richard the Lionhearted (childless), William II (childless) and John of Magna Carta fame, who begat Henry III who begat Edward I who begat Edward II who begat Edward III Who begat John of Gaunt who was never king.

John of Gaunt

John of Gaunt

About the time John of Gaunt was begatting, his brother Edward of Langley, the first Duke of York was spreading his seed as well.  He had Richard of Conisburgh who had Richard Plantagenet who had Richard III, you know, the nasty one from the Shakespeare play.

Richard III

Richard III

John of Gaunt was a busy guy, he had eight kids.  All of whom wanted a piece of the throne.

His son became Henry IV.  He had Henry V who had Henry VI, who was king twice because his distant cousin usurped the throne as Edward IV.  But, HVI got it back and continued to begat.

He begat several children, most notably, Henry IV who was a cousin of Richard Plantagenet, whom if you’re not dizzy by now, you may remember from above.

Richard begat Edward IV and Richard III – again Shakespeare.

Richard III took the throne exactly 469 years before my birth on June 26, 1483.  Of course he had to kill his nephews to do it.

Well, Henry Tudor wasn’t all too happy with Richard as king, and since he too was a descendant of Edward III and married to a woman of royal but diluted blood, he decided he’d take over.  After killing Richard at Bosworth field in 1485, Henry proclaimed himself king, replacing the 32 year old Richard.

Henry VII  holding the Tudor Rose

Henry VII holding the Tudor Rose

OK, I know, you need to go pee.  Take a break, I’ll still be here.

Feel better?

Now that you’re back, let’s continue, shall we?

Henry VII, gave us many things; the rack, new forms of torture, and most importantly, Henry VIII, and his sister Margaret.  (Pay attention to her, she’s important.)

Henry VIII, as I’m sure you know since I’ve mentioned it on numerous occasions, had six wives and three kids.  None of those kids begat anything but trouble. It was a major crisis, pissed Henry off, and set history UP for another major mess as far as successions go.

After Henry VIII’s kids, Edward VI, Mary I, and Elizabeth I (again Shakespeare) transitioned to the great beyond, we were ‘blessed’ with the Stuarts.

You think the current bunch is dysfunctional? They can’t hold a candle to the Stuarts.

Since Henry VIII’s kids had no issue, the closest relative was the grandson of Henry VIII’s sister Margaret Tudor – now aren’t you glad you paid attention.  Margaret married the king of Scotland, James IV, and had King James V also of Scotland. He begat Mary Queen of Scots also of Scotland, who you may remember was beheaded by her cousin, Queen Elizageth I back in England.  Sooooooo, her son, James VI of Scotland was the closest heir of the woman who signed his mother’s death warrant.

Really, who wouldn’t want to take the throne after all that.

So, off to Merrie Olde England went James VI, who since he was the first James to rule the British Isles, had to change his name to James I.

King James VI and I

King James VI and I

He had Charles I – Cromwell executed him in the English Civil War, and ran the show for several years. After all that mess was over, Charles I’s son, Charles II came prancing back from France, where he’d been hanging out with his cousin Louis XIV snorting coke, hitting on the ladies, and acquiring several STDs.

Charles had no legitimate children, plenty of bastards, but none who could inherit, so his worthless brother, James II took over.  Pissed off by their father’s behavior, James’ daughters Mary, along with her husband William of Orange, and Anne, booted their blatantly Catholic daddy from the throne – you can’t be the head of the Church of England if you’re Catholic – and William and Mary took over as joint rulers, started a college in Virginia, fought wars, granted charters for colonies, and proceeded to have stillborn child after stillborn child. (It is highly likely that both Mary and Anne were born with some sort of unnamed STD, since their dad got around more that JFK.)

Anne, took over when both Mary and William were gone.  She had no surviving children after 15 pregnancies.

With all the Stuarts kaput, and Anne dying, the Lords, Earls, and Pearls of England were frantic to find a Protestant successor.  56 other candidates were stricken from the list for “religious differences”, and a team of talent scouts headed to Germany to find the next English monarch.

“Germany?”, you ask.

Enter George I.  His mother was Sophia, the granddaughter of James I, so George, as he was called in the Rhineland, Georg Ludwig, became King George I of England.  He left his wife locked UP in tower back in Germany – but, I digress, as I’ve posted about that before.


So, Sophia birthed (women don’t begat) George I who begat George II who begat Frederick, Prince of Wales, who was never king but begat George III who begat George IV and William IV, who were childless.

Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, father of Queen Victoria.

Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, father of Queen Victoria.

But, their brother, Prince Edward, Duke of Kent had a daughter – Victoria.

So, Victoria married her cousin Albert who was a German as kraut, they had Edward VII, he begat George V who begat two kings:  Edward VIII who had no children, married the Wallis creature, abdicated and moved to France, and George VI who begat Elizabeth who delivered Charles who begat William who begat Prince George Alexander Louis…the boy who will be king.

So, there you have it, from there to here.  And unless this kids knocks some one UP in my life time, I’ll try not to bother you again with this!

But, I thought you’d want to know.