Princess Charlotte, Duchess of Valentinois aka Charlotte Louise Juliette Grimaldi de Monaco aka Grandma to Albert, Caroline and Stephanie of Monaco was born today in 1898.

You may yawn, and click away, but it’s a pretty interesting story.

She was a wild card.

She was the bastard daughter of Prince Louis II, the ruler of Monaco.  He was the grand-father of the fat guy who married Grace Kelly.

Her mother was a cabaret singer in French Algiers named Marie Juliette Louvet.  Very little is known about the “cabaret singer”, other than she was pretty, and charmed the Prince.  Some sources say Juliette, as she was called, was a laundress or possibly a dressmaker.  I wasn’t there, so, I really can’t say. 

At any rate, she got knocked UP, the Prince took the heat, and since he was childless at home, and the throne would go to his nasty German cousin, Wilhelm, the Second Duke of Urach, he got the bright idea to “adopt” Charlotte and make her his legitimate heir.  I mean, really, those Germans are just so pushy.  Wilhelm was the son of  some lesser German Duke and his wife, who was a Princess of Monaco named Florestine, which sounds like a mouth wash! 

And quite frankly, who wants a ruler who looks like this?

To prevent the German takeover of the Monegasque line, and the place going all kraut and beer, Louis the Deuce passed a law adopting Charlotte, and naming her his heir in Paris in 1918, and, presto-change, her surname was Grimaldi and daddy threw in a title to boot!  She became the Duchess of Valentinios. 

Back in Germany, Willy was all huffy, stomped around, cussed, spat, threatened legal action, drank a few beers, watched the game, and fell asleep.

He wasn’t smart enough to realize that the adoption was probably illegal.  The Monegasque Civil Code – which is nothing like our Constitution - required that the adopting party (Louis) had to be at least fifty and the adoptee (Charlotte) twenty-one.  When Louis realized this, he had a new law made; I’m guessing the civil code makers were pretty bendable, and called it “The 1918 Ordinance”  It  changed the age limit to eighteen (Charlotte was twenty at the time).  And had Willy been really aware, and realized just how pretty Monaco and Monte Carlo are, he would have realized that Louis screwed UP his own law by not changing the age limit of the adopting party – Louis was only 48.

Haste makes waste?

Ta-Da!  She’s a Princess, she’s an heir, wonder what she’s gonna wear?

So, to make a long story even longer interesting, Charlotte married a Count, Pierre de Polignac, who promptly changed his last name to Grimaldi (hers) and promptly got her pregnant.  Twice.  Frist a girl, Antionette and then a boy, Ranier – aka the fat guy who married Grace Kelly.

Charlotte, who never wanted to be the ruler of the little town that Onassis owned, renounced her hard won rights to the throne in favor of Ranier, later Ranier III,  divorced the Count, ran off with her Italian boyfriend, Del Masso, and moved to Paris.

In 1933, Daddy er, Prince Louis, granted her a divorce by decree…I guess it pays to be King, er Prince.

Latin Lovers being what they are, and a dime a dozen in Europe, Charlotte dumped him and went to college, tried out for cheerleading and joined a sorority.

OK, I made that last line UP.

She did however, get a degree in her 70s, which btw, happened in THE 70s. 

Prior to her coed phase, and once Louis moved onto the great throne room in the sky, and Ranier III had taken over, Charlotte moved back to Paris to the family estate at La Marchais and promptly turned it into rehabilitation center for ex-convicts.

Ranier, Grace, Antionette, and the rest of Monaco had a hissy, claiming they feared for her safety.  Totally nonplussed, the Princess hooked UP with a new boyfriend, Rene le Canne (which translates to Rene the Cane in English, and I for one do not need an explanation as to how he got that name), who was a convicted Jewel Thief.

But, alas, the jewels were safe, and since Charlotte didn’t really think Grace was “all that”, she by-passed her daughter-in-law and gave the Jewels to Princess Caroline!

After all, they are not only realtives, they are kindred spirits, Caroline, had a French husband, and Italian husband, and married a real live German Prince!  And, Ranier III can rest well too, his son married a woman young enough to “bear children”, and if they do decide to opt out of parenting, Caroline has three, 1/2 Italian, 1/2 Monagasque.   

Alas, the kingdom is safe!

…Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah on Wednesday overturned a court’s sentence of 10 lashes for a woman arrested for driving in the kingdom.

I’d like to think I had something to do with it!

Since the day we invaded Iraq and Afghanistan, I’ve said, “We invaded the wrong country.”

We should have gone in and cleaned out Saudi Arabia.

“But, they’re our friends!”, you reply.

Please tell me how and why they remain so.

Ok, I know it’s the oil.  I know it’s the co-dependence we have with them for fuel, and I know it is the laziness and duplicity of the oil industry, auto industry, and the US government that keep us chained to the heartless MEN who run that country.

Consipracy theories aside, we will remain in this sick, dysfunctional relationship until the American people wake UP and realize that if we can put a man on the moon, as well as one on Anne Heche, we can come UP with an alternative to Saudi oil.

So, that’s why we’re friends, here’s why we should not be…well one reason, of many.

A Saudi woman has been sentenced to 10 lashes with the whip for driving.

This is a first, even for the Saudis.  Usually, women drivers are stopped, questioned, forced to sign a pledge never to drive again, and sent along their way.

There’s a nation-wide ban on women driving in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

It’s a kingdom, BTW, not a republic, not a democracy; it’s run by one family and some of the worlds richest people.  Frankly, it’s an oligarchy.

Sheima Jastaniah was sentenced on Monday by a court in the Red Sea city of Jeddah, where she was caught driving in July.  

Jastaniah has refused to talk to media about her trial, and most Saudis were shocked that she was sentenced to 10 lashes.  Shocked?  Isn’t this the place that beheaded a princess for having an affiar?

She plans an appeal.

All of this comes on the heels of HRH King Abdullah’s promises that he would protect women’s rights, and decreed that women would be allowed to participate in municipal elections  as early as 2015.  Well, we wouldn’t want to rush things, after all, it’s only the 21st Century.

The king also promised to appoint women to a presently all male advisory body, which I’m just sure he listens to, called the Shura Council.

Abdullah is considered a reformer…if that’s possible…and the sentence is viewed as a retaliation from the ultra-conservative, hard-line Saudi religious establishment which controls the courts and runs the religious police!! 

Sohila Zein el-Abydeen, a prominent female member of the govermental National Society for Human Rights says, “…our king doesn’t deserve that.  the verdict is shocking to me, but we were expecting this kind of reaction.” 

The 30 year old woman aka ‘the driver’, was found guilty of driving without permission, and the punishment will probably be carried out within 30 days. 

Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world that bans ALL women from driving, foreign and Saudis alike, forcing hardships on many families.

Most families have drivers, at the cost of $300-$400 per month to do the “dirty work”.

Oddly enough, there is no written law on the Saudi books that prohibits women from driving!  The prohibition is deeply rooted in the hard-line, conservative, repressive traditions and Islamic views.

The boys there think allowing women the freedom of moving around easily will lead them into temptation and sin.

All other driving violations in Saudi Arabia are punishable by fines.  This is the only one that gets the lash.

Women in the United States got the vote in the early 20th Century, our women were driving soon after automobiles appeared, and many Western women were driving during two world wars, aiding the battle against countries who repressed the freedoms of others: Jews, Gypsies, Women, anyone who was different, etc.

Amnesty International condemned the sentence of course.  They issued a statement saying it demonstrated the “scale of discrimination against women in the kingdom”.

“Flogging is a cruel punishment in all circumstances but it beggars belief that the authorities in Saudi Arabia have imposed lashes on a woman apparently for merely driving a car,” Middle East and North Africa deputy director Philip Luther said in a statement.

“Belatedly allowing women to vote in council elections is all well and good, but if they are still going to face being flogged for trying to exercise their right to freedom of movement then the king’s much-trumpeted ‘reforms’ actually amount to very little,”  was also in the statement.

And he goes on to say, “Saudi Arabia needs to go much further. The whole system of women’s subordination to men in Saudi Arabia needs to be dismantled.”

Where is the women’s movement now?  Are you still out there Gloria?

Who’s speaking out for the repressed in the world?  Hillary, can you hear me now?

And why, oh why, are we still friends with this band of savages?

Oh, and just in case, I’ll be hiding out with Salman Rushdie for a few days!

Well, that’s what they called him, William of Normandy aka William the Conqueror aka William the Bastard!

And he was. 

William was the only son of Robert I of Normandy, he was illegitimate, but The Duke acknowledged him as his son, and left him the castle, the Dukedom, and the cash.

His Aunt Emma was the Queen of England, twice.  And Will was sure he had a claim to the English Throne.

She married Ethelred the Unready and UPon his death, hooked UP with Canute the Great.  With a name like Canute, he’d better be good at something.  I mean, really, can you imagine all those Junior High nicknames?

“Why do I care about William the Bastard?”, you querry.  Well, today is the anniversary of the Norman Conquest.  The one when William and his army landed in Merrie Olde England, and started kicking butt and taking names.  The Norman Conquest of Germantown is another post, and I’m sure you can all guess which Norman I’m talking about!

After he conquered England, he became William II, the British were just way to stuffy for all that Bastard stuff!

The leading historian of the day, William of Malmesbury, said “”He was of just stature, extraordinary corpulence, fierce countenance; his forehead bare of hair; of such strength of arm that it was often a matter of surprise that no one was able to draw his bow, which he himself could bend when his horse was on full gallop; he was majestic whether sitting or standing, although the protuberance of his belly deformed his royal person: of excellent health so that he was never confined with any dangerous disorder except at the last.”

Translation:  Average height, a total lard ass, mean looking, partially bald, and so strong he could bend his bow in half at a full gallop.  Yet, he was regal looking, in spite of the beer gut, and very healthy!

Go figure!

You may wonder why it is important at all.  Well, I’ll tell ya.  He brought order to an unruly land that was filled with fighting factions and fractions.  He took a census.  He gave people last names.  He civilized England.  We eat pork instead of swine, beef instead of cow, mutton instead of sheep, and venison instead of deer.  William introduced over 10,000 French words to the English language and, quite frankly, prettied it UP.

He also changed the sound of English letters, mys became mice.  Ally, admiral, gallant, enemy, peace and war entered into the English thanks to the old Bastard from Normandy. 

We wouldn’t say boil, fry, roast, and toast, and we wouldn’t eat fillets, soups and pastries without him either!

John, Mary, Charles and Richard weren’t English names before the invasion!  Ethelred and Canute went by the wayside along with Harold, whom William defeated in the Battle of Hastings in 1066!

He also gave us V and Z to round out the alphabet.

Really, think about it, doesn’t Victoria sound much better the Ictoria?

The conquest’s biggest gift was the Subject-Verb-Object way of speaking.

He was a builder too, castles, keeps, and the Central White Tower in the Tower of London are all gifts from William.

So, if you’re looking for a reason to party this dull Wednesday, thank William.  William the Bastard changed history, architecture, language, laws, customs, culture, economics, and politics.  He made the West, the West!