…What your country can do for you, Asp what you can do for your country.

My appologies to JFK!

Cleopatra was a politician, a patriot, and a Pharaoh.

The real Cleopatra was probably not all that beautiful.   The last ruler of the Ptolemaic Dynasty (she was Greek) which had taken over Egypt after the death of Alexander the Great.  His kingdom was split three ways, her family got the sand box.

They weren’t all that fond of Egypt, never learning the language, and insiting on speaking Greek, they ruled the nation for years.  This was a lucky break for historians, their insistance on court documents being written in both Greek and Egyptian gave us the Rosetta Stone, without which, we’d be screwed.

Cleopatra VII, was a little more progressive – well as progressive as one could have been in 69 BC.  (Yes, I use BC, as a purist and traditionalist, I refuse to use B.C.E., BC is before Christ, B.C. E. is before common era, I say we keep Christ in history as well as Christmas!)  But, like every other ruler of Egypt before and after her, she was a tyrant. 

Moving on,  Cleopatra not only learned Egyptian, she presented herself  as the reincarnation of an Egyptian goddess Isis.   Did I mention she had an ego?

Cleopatra originally ruled jointly with her father Ptolemy XII and later with her brothers, Ptolemy XIII and Ptolemy XIV, whom she married as per Egyptian custom.

Yuck!

Eventually she became sole ruler.   Translation:  she had the brothers/hubbies killed.  And she assumed total power at the age of 18.

No one said she was nice.

As pharaoh, she consummated a liaison with Julius Caesar to solidify her claim to the throne. Nine months to the day of their first meeting, she had a son by Caesar, Caesarion whom she made co-ruler.  She was 21, Caesar was 52.

Her affair with Caesar was brief.  He was murdered while she was in Rome, and she hot-footed it back to Alexandria.   Beware of the Ides of March.

In 44 BC, she became the ally of Marc Antony who was in opposition to Caesar’s legal heir, Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus , a.k.a Augustus.

Her “love” for Caeser was a business deal to save her throne, and her affair with Marc Antony started the same way, there was a Roman Civil War going on, she had to choose sides.  Women, even queens had fewer choices then.

Their affair was passionate by all accounts, and has become not only history but literature and art as well. 

She and Antony had three children, twins, Cleopatra Selene and Alexander Helios, and one more son, Ptolemy Philadelphus – he was an Eagles fan.

Her marriages to her brothers pardon me while I hurl produced no children.   Lucky break!

Antony and Cleopatra planned to rule the world as lovers and monarchs and made the huge mistake of opposing Octavian.  After losing the Battle of Actium , Antony facing a horrible and public death in Rome, commited suicide. 

Cleopatra, according to tradition, history, and Hollywood killed herself as well.

She knew the Romans hated her because of her hold on Caesar and her opposition to Octavian.

Some say that Octavian actually captured Cleopatra and that she died either from the cobra’s bite or poison while in his custody.  When he marched back to Rome, he took an effigy of the Queen with an asp clutched to her breast.

Well, he was really pissed.

Plutarch tells us of the death of Antony as well as Cleopatra.

Tradition says she had an asp smuggled into her room by a sympathetic maid, laid the serpent to arm and let it bite her.  The oldest source of this story is Strabo, who was alive at the time of the event, and may possibly have been in Alexandria at the time. He says that there are two stories: one is that she applied a toxic ointment, or that she was bitten by an asp or Egyptian Cobra.   Many Roman poets, who wrote of the event within in 10 years, all mention bites by two asps.  Other historians writing 60 to 150 years later do the same.  Some historians trying to rewrite history question these reports, generally implying or insisting that Augustus had her killed.

Shakespeare cemented the image that has come down to us, Cleopatra clutching the snake to her breast.  Before him, it was generally agreed that she was bitten on the arm.

She remains a popular figure yet today, and the Marc Antony J-Lo Cleo story has inspired theatre and other works of art.  In most depictions, Cleopatra is portrayed as a great beauty and her conquests of the world’s most powerful men played as proof of her sexual appeal.

Antony and Cleopatra, remain a mystery even in death.  They were buried together somewhere in Egypt, but the mausoleum has never been found.

 Is there a stranger romance than that of Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellweger?

Seriously, I can’t find one. 

Four months dating, four months of marriage, what went wrong?

Fraud, annulment, just too much room for speculation.

Of course the Kenny’s gay rumors started.

He denied that.  “It’s not true. Period. Maybe I should have come out and said, ‘No, I’m not, but I didn’t want to draw any more attention to it.  I didn’t have to prove to anybody that I wasn’t. I didn’t feel like I really did.”  All this to Anderson Cooper, ahem, who should know if Kenny’s gay.

He’s a mystery man, not living in the US, but living on his own private island, a very private man.

There’s room for speculation, most stars are open books, or at least have a phony perosna to cover their tracks.

Not Kenny, he plays it close to the vest.

Renée and Kenny met on January 15, 2005, at the Concert of Hope tsunami relief benefit. Kenny was there as one of the performers, and Renée had volunteered to answer the telephones. 

Their annulment was finalized in Los Angeles Superior Court on December 20, 2005, when a judge granted their request. Officially, their brief marriage never existed. It was legally erased by the annulment process.

Ok, I know that’s all legal, but that’s all just crap.

It existed.  There was a preacher, there were witnesses, there were ‘I do’s’, and supposedly there was a consummation.

Or was there?

So, what happened?

They “tied” the knot on on May 9, 2005 in St. John in the Virgin Islands in a small, private wedding.

The easy theory could be that she wanted an immediate baby and he did not.  Wouldn’t that qualify for a “miscommunication of the objective of their marriage?”

That’s the term used in the annulment.

Could it be ego?

Chesney has said, to none other than Oprah, so we know it’s true, that he still hopes to be married, but “felt that the idea of marriage made me lose my identity… I just don’t know that I’ve found anybody bigger than that.”

Ok, ego just might be it. 

One Hollywood attorney, Sorrell Trope says, “If fraud is checked that means a promise was made before the marriage, but the person who made it had no intention of keeping it. The promise has to pertain to the heart of the marriage.”

So, did he say, yeah, I want kids, and then a few days later, say, “oh BTW, I had a vasectomy”?  I mean, who wants to wind UP with a few “souvenirs” from a tour?  Child sUPport!

Did he say, “Renee, you’re just butt ugly, and I don’t love you!”

Was it, “My 400 other girlfriends are jealous of you, so you’ll have to leave.”

Who knows?

Everyone thinks of her as a dowdy old lady with a frumpy bonnet. 

But, it wasn’t always that way.  Martha Dandridge grew UP the daughter of a wealthy Virginia planter in colonial days.  At the age of 18, she married her first husband, Daniel Parke Custis who was twenty…years older than she.

He was one of the richest men in the American colonies at the time.  His land holding alone consisted of over 17,500 acres covering five counties.  He had no fewer than 300 slaves.  And, according to all reports, he was good looking, and “had good teeth and pleasant breath”.  Apparently in the 1700s those were rare.

When Martha was 26, she became a widow, Daniel died after a brief illness.  She had two surviving children, and a pot full of money.

Daniel died without a will.  Two thirds of the estate was put into trust for the children, and Martha, with one third her own and control of the rest, became the wealthiest widow, and most eligible bachelorette in Virginia.  She lived at White House, their plantation on the Pamunkey River.   She was courted by many men including the other richest man in America, Charles Carter of Shirley Plantation.

And by the standards of the day, she was pretty as well.

Shortyly after her husband’s death, Martha Custis met George Washington at a Cotillion in Williamsburg.   Some say that Martha fell in love with him instantly, but I wasn’t there, and I’m not so sure about that love at first sight thing, so I can’t say.

George had a crush on an attractive neighbor, Sally Fairfax, but she UP and married some fancy schmancy English Lord, and he – regardless of what some people say – gave UP and went looking elsewhere. 

With his own plantation to manage, he needed a wife to help him and to produce heirs so that he wouldn’t have to leave it to his sorry nieces and nephews.

So, George went a courtin’.

George wasn’t so bad himself.  Well, the breath and teeth thing might have been a drawback, but at any rate, he was pretty well off, good looking, tall, and single.  And they were the same age, 27.

And he fell in love.

History tells us that their wedding was a pretty big deal. The groom wore a suit of blue and silver with red trimming and gold knee buckles; the bride wore purple silk shoes with spangled buckles.  I’m assuming she had on a dress as well.

His marriage to Martha changed his status.  He married UP.  The Washingtons were well-off, but not in a class with the Dandridge Custis set.  George went from being an ordinary planter to a wealthy landowner.  He resigned his commission in the army (the Colonial British Army at that time), remodeled and enlarged Mt. Vernon and moved his new family home.

Martha’s two children were denied nothing, and by all accounts very spoiled.  When the daughter, Patsy, died at the age of 17,  George and Martha were heart-broken, and when the son, who did make it to adulthood, and did have his own children died, they adopted his children and Washington reared them as his own.

Martha was not a camp follower as we are lead to believe, she did spend the winter at Valley Forge, and she did travel with Washington at times, but much of their time was spent apart throughout the Revolution.

Their marriage appears to have been a solid one, untroubled by infidelity or clash of temperament. She did oppose his election to the Presidency, but stood by him the entire eight years, and earned the term “First Lady”. 

There is no dirt, no scandal; believe me, I looked!

After his years of battle and the Presidency, they returned to Mt. Vernon. 

Washington died first, he caught a cold, got a fever, and his doctors did the rest.  Ah, modern medicine wasn’t so modern in 1799. 

Martha was never the same.  One report has her moving from her rooms at Mt. Vernon to a small chamber on the UPper floor where she took no water and no food for several days.  She was too distraught to attend his funeral.

Three years later, knowing that she too was dying, she made a will, freed all of her slaves, and burned her letters to and from Washington. 

Only two remain.

I’m not lazy, I just don’t think I can write as well as this was written the first time…

2nd Samuel Chapter 11. 

And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem.

And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king’s house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon.

And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, “Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?”

And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house.

And the woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, “I am with child.”

And David sent to Joab, saying, “Send me Uriah the Hittite.” And Joab sent Uriah to David.

And when Uriah was come unto him, David demanded of him how Joab did, and how the people did, and how the war prospered.

And David said to Uriah, “Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet.”  And Uriah departed out of the king’s house, and there followed him a mess of meat from the king.

But Uriah slept at the door of the king’s house with all the servants of his lord, and went not down to his house.

And when they had told David, saying, “Uriah went not down unto his house”, David said unto Uriah, “Camest thou not from thy journey? why then didst thou not go down unto thine house?”

And Uriah said unto David, “The ark, and Israel, and Judah, abide in tents; and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open fields; shall I then go into mine house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife?  As thou livest, and as thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing.”

And David said to Uriah, “Tarry here today also, and tomorrow I will let thee depart.”  So Uriah abode in Jerusalem that day, and the morrow.

And when David had called him, he did eat and drink before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house.

And it came to pass in the morning, that David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah.

And he wrote in the letter, saying, “Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die.”

And it came to pass, when Joab observed the city, that he assigned Uriah unto a place where he knew that valiant men (of the enemy) were.

And the men of the city went out, and fought with Joab: and there fell some of the people of the servants of David; and Uriah the Hittite died also.

Then Joab sent and told David all the things concerning the war; And charged the messenger, saying, “When thou hast made an end of telling the matters of the war unto the king, And if so be that the king’s wrath arise, and he say unto thee,” Wherefore approached ye so nigh unto the city when ye did fight? knew ye not that they would shoot from the wall?”

“Who smote Abimelech the son of Jerubbesheth? did not a woman cast a piece of a millstone upon him from the wall, that he died in Thebez? why went ye nigh the wall?” then say thou, “Thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.””

So the messenger went, and came and shewed David all that Joab had sent him for.

And the messenger said unto David, “Surely the men prevailed against us, and came out unto us into the field, and we were upon them even unto the entering of the gate.”

“And the shooters shot from off the wall upon thy servants; and some of the king’s servants be dead, and thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.”

Then David said unto the messenger, Thus shalt thou say unto Joab, “Let not this thing displease thee, for the sword devoureth one as well as another: make thy battle more strong against the city, and overthrow it: and encourage thou him.”

And when the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, she mourned for her husband.

And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD. 

Lust, greed, cunning, adultry, murder…could anyone write a better story?