Well, I do.

Ever hear of “guyspeak”?

It seems everyone’s talking about it.  What men say, and what men really mean.

Of course, we don’t get to talk about what women say v. what they mean, so I’ll stick with the plan, and since I have the “gift of interpretation”, I’ll fill you in on a few things I think sociologists and psychologists have totally gotten wrong.

Frankly, it’s annoying.  Isn’t it possible that when we say something, it really just is what it is?

Probably not!

Some say that guyspeak comes from men not wanting to let the women in thier lives down.

What’s the word I’m looking for?  Bull!

Here’s an example: 

He says – We should hang out sometime. “The Experts” say – I’m afraid you’ll turn me down if I ask you out.

What he really means – You’re hot, I’m horny, let’s get it on.  The game starts in 15 minutes.

He says – I’ll call you later.  Experts – I’ll never call you, but then again I might, so don’t write me off yet.

What he really means – Unless I see a future I want in this, I’m never callin’ you again, well, at least not until after the game.

He says – My ex is nuts.  Experts – I’ve messed her UP and she got UPset.

What he really means – No, I’m serious, she’s crazzzzzzzzy, crazy!  And it  ain’t my fault.  She hated sports anyway.

He says – That guy seems like a good friend of yours.  Experts – Was there ever a thing between you?

What he really means – He’s either gay, studying for the priesthood or trying to get in your pants, cause he’s actin’ like a brother that’s too kissy and it’s creepin’ me out!  Have you ever noticed he never watches the game?

He says – It’s a long story.  Experts – It’s a long story that makes me look bad.

What he really means – It’s a long story and why are you so darn nosy?  Can we talk about this at half-time, the game is on.

He says – Is that a new look?  Experts – You look weird.

What he really means – Do you like it?  Should I like it?  Damn I never know the rules here!  Could you move, the game is on.

He says – Are those shoes new?  Experts – Should you spend so much money on another pair of shoes?

What he really means – If you chipped in on the bills instead of buying everything at Macy’s, we could afford all the ESPN stuff on cable, and we could watch more games!

He says – Why are you being so emotional?  Experts – Why are you being so psycho?

What he really means – Hey, Sybil, knock it off, I’m missin’ the game!

He says – That’s not what I meant.  Experts – That’s exactly what I meant, but now that you’re pissed, I wish I’d never said it outloud.

What he really means – You’ll never understand what I really mean, and you’d probably hate me anyway, so let’s just move on from here!  The game is on.

He says – It’s fine.  Experts – It’s not fine, but I’m in no mood to discuss it.

What he really means – It’s not fine, I’m gonna’ lose this one anyway, so really, It’s fine!  And the game is on.

He says – He’s a friend of yours?  Experts – Do you have a thing for that dog?

What he really means -  He’s a dog, and you should be on antibiotics for just riding in  his car!  I wouldn’t let him sit on my couch to watch the game, which is on by the way!

He says – Can we talk about this later?  Experts – I never want to talk about this again.

What he really means – You’re going to talk about it anyway, can I just have a few minutes of peace and quiet before you rip me to shreads over this one and make me rue the day we met?  And for the love of Mike, the game is on!