Ok, I’m standing in line at the check out counter at Kroger, (and btw, it’s Kroger, not Krogers. You’re only in one at a time, it’s not plural nor is it possessive. And it’s not Sonics either, so stop it out there.) and there’s this man in front of me, maybe a couple of years older. Being the annoyingly over friendly guy that I am, I say hello. Big mistake.
The conversation is going along rather nicely, you know, “nice weather”, “gosh this woman is the slowest check out in the world”, “nice melons”, “oh, look, Brad and Angelina are having problems”, you know, stuff like that.
Well, all the sudden he leans over to get the Brad and Angie piece off the counter and I feel something fuzzy brushing against the side of my face.
It was his ear hair.
Ok, guys, it’s like this. I’m bald on top and furry everywhere else. You don’t lose your hair, it just moves around. You know what I mean? I swear the hair on my upper arms has grown a half inch in the past year.
There comes a point in life when the “eyelash” on your nose didn’t fall from your eyelid, it is attached. Your eyebrows decide to curl, and it’s not even humid out side, you put your Bluetooth in and it won’t fit, your sheets are fur and you didn’t buy them that way, you know. You know you know. Admit it…boys, it’s time for … wait for it…MANSCAPING!
I don’t mean to go all “metro” on you, but really guys, and I’m sure the girls will agree something has to be done about the excess fur in America . (I’m not trying to make PETA happy/unhappy here), Wear mink if you wanna’, but for the love of Lindsay Lohan, do something about that fur.
There are ways boys, to take care of this. Most of them are painful. Some of them just down right excruciating, and a few, well, we just won’t go there.
There’s waxing –
don’t’ do it.
Plucking – only to be used on the nose and ears, and the occasional rogue eyebrow hair; you know the one, the James Dean of eyebrow hairs, the rebel without a cause eyebrow hair, the one that just won’t obey. Cull him out, nuke him, he must go…PLUCK IT, I say, PLUCK IT!
Shaving – we’ve been doing that since we were 12, and we don’t like it. And once you shave something, it grows back angrier…can I get an AMEN from the girls here? So, shaving just isn’t the way to go.
So, we come to manscaping.
What you’ll need – a beard trimmer, cuticle scissors, tweezers (pointy ones and the wider ones with an angled edge), an electric nose hair trimmer, and yes, a hand mirror!
This may take a while, and you may need help, don’t be afraid to ask her for help. I’m sure she’ll be so happy about this that she won’t hesitate.
Start with the ears. You can feel it, you can grasp it, you can get it. It may hurt, MAN UP and move on to the next one!
The brows are easy. Set that beard trimmer on the HIGHEST setting you have and mow inward, no results, lower it one at a time until you get the desired length. Not too short, you don’t wanna look like a 1940s starlet!
Moving on to the nose, you can use the cuticle scissors and cut them just like Tom Hanks in “Turner and Hooch”, or you can trim them with your shiny new nose hair trimmer, OR you can pull the wild ones out and cry in front of her. Again, MAN UP!
Nothing looks worse than a scruffy beard. If you can’t grow a good one, shave, if you have one, don’t go all ZZTOP guy on me. Trim it, manscape!
As you move down the body, there may be a place or two you wanna’ spruce up, the rest, well, that’s up to you. But, think about it boys, every time you get a hair cut, your ears stick out more!
So, how do we get there?
You’ll have to venture into the land of doom, the places you hate to go, Wally-world, or K-land, CVS, any of those places – but boys, if you wanna’ look good for the ladies or in most cases, the lady, and you know you do, ya gotta do it! So, Man UP and manscape.
Why the heck can’t we get this crap at Home Depot or Loew’s? You know we’re gonna’ be there!
That’s my manly way to Fight the Frump. To see how the ladies do it, check out Fight the Frump Friday at Blissfully Domestic!